Today anxiety hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. Thinking about it now from a neurobiological perspective, it really makes a lot of sense why this happened. I had experienced a lot of excitement over the past several weeks and sometimes my nervous system confuses “that’s great, how exciting” with going into fight-or-flight mode. There’s a reason excitatory neurons are called ‘excitatory.’ They are stimulated by an exciting event. Whether that’s good excitement or negative excitement sometimes gets muddled in the messaging.
All this to say I haven’t experienced this kind of anxiety in a while. It was honestly just really annoying and unpleasant at first. However, it really brought me to a state of empathy for my clients who experience this on a day-by-day, sometimes hourly, even minute-by-minute basis. It grounded me to remind me of their suffering. Granted, my anxiety wasn’t caused by anything to do with eating or body image, nor have these issues caused me anxiety in the better part of 10 years. However, anxiety is unpleasant no matter the cause. And now that I reflect on this, I needed this dose of anxiety today. I needed the lesson that it brought.
When the anxiety first hit, it was intense. I sat with the anxiety for a while and then went through my mental Filofax of coping tools and settled upon my favorites: yoga and deep breathing. I turned on a YouTube video of "Yoga for Stress Relief" and it honestly wasn’t cutting it. So I turned the video off, and just started doing a yoga sequence that I made up as I went along--just whatever felt right. The sequence altogether lasted maybe 5 minutes, tops. But made a HUGE difference. My breathing slowed and I could physically feel that my heart rate was a lot lower and I felt almost back to baseline. Those 5 minutes of mindful movement and deep breathing literally made a world of difference in how I felt. And although I just outlined this whole moment-by-moment anxious experience into one singe paragraph-- that doesn't mean that I didn't WANT OUT of having to experience that emotion in the moment. But I knew it was something I had to sit with. I couldn't just think it away.
As a clinician, it somehow feels vulnerable to share that I experienced this moment of anxiety. But then, I ask myself, why does it feel vulnerable? Just because I am a clinician, does that mean that I am immune from experiencing occasional instances of anxiety? That literally makes no sense at all and is extremely pretentious, if anything. Hense, my decision to share my experience.
Looking back at this experience I have a lot of self-compassion. It definitely wasn’t my fault. It also humbled me. I am a human being, and human beings sometimes experience anxiety. It doesn’t mean I am flawed, it means I have a functioning nervous system that responds to stimuli. To a certain extent, it is part of the experience of living. I am also profoundly grateful for this experience as it reminded me how I have literally changed the wiring of my brain from my eating disorder days. I experienced an unpleasant emotion and my immediate reflex was that of self-compassion. This would not have been the case almost a decade ago when I was still struggling with my eating disorder. This rewiring has come from several years of telling myself, "It's okay, you're not flawed, this emotion is temporary, this too shall pass."
It really was a gift that I experienced this emotion today and I am grateful to be reminded of how far I have come. I am in awe of the reminder that we can rewire our brains to respond to the unpleasant (and pleasant) emotions of life in healthful and self-compassionate ways.
So today, it truly was a kindness that I was given this gift of anxiety.
Here are some additional coping ideas for moments of intense anxiety*:
1. Listening to calm music
2. Looking up at the sky/out a window and focusing on the movement of the clouds
3. Making up your own yoga/stretching sequence
4. Deep breathing
5. If you haven't eaten in a while, low blood sugar can sometimes cause a feeling of nervousness and/or jitteriness. Having a meal or a snack can bring your blood sugar back up to base line and help mitigate some of that feeling of nervousness.
6. Going on a slow, leisurely walk
7. Doodling
8. Planning your outfit for tomorrow
*If you struggle with anxiety regularly, seeing a therapist can make a world of difference. I highly recommend it. They can offer you so many additional coping tools!
What are your favorite self-compassionate coping tools for moments of anxiety?